backtracking

well its 10.30pm and i had a craps nights sleep as i am rubbish at sharing a bed which is what becs and i are currently trying to do. i just keep waking up in the night aware of my personal space being invaded and hearing all the funny noises of another person breathing etc.. more information than you need probably, but it has entertained our current hotel manager no end that i was so keen to find a way of separating our beds, sadly its not possible. anyway i had my first chai today so i am buzzing! i've avoided chai till now despite knowing i would love it as i am normally caffeine free, but exception had to be made and i needed waking up. it was delicious.

i didn't think it was possible but the cuisine of this country keeps surprising me with even more delicious treats - the latest being dosas, a south indian crepe type option which are just gorgeous. so i continue to enjoy my food here.

bizarrely we are now back in udaipur as a short trip to jaipur made us both think better of spending much more time in big cities, they are just not fun to try and wander around, so we have retreated back to our favourite place yet. very glad to be back in such a relaxing and beautiful place that is familiar. i also really enjoyed the journey back here, although it took a whole day, you see more than usual and get to be a bit more out of the 'tourist comfort zone'. i have been especially chuffed with our last few efforts as we are starting to catch on that the lonely planet is actually a load of rubbish a lot of the time, and have got ourselves onto the local bus system between cities and towns. before we were signing up with tourist coaches that cost more and leave at stupid times.. but now we are well practiced in just rocking up at the main bus stand, buying a ticket for a bus that always seems to be leaving within 10 minutes, maybe picking up some local snacks to supplement our supplies and then getting on board. seems that way we get quoted better prices for anything along the way, and seem to take about the same time. result.

other than that i continue to philosophise about life and my part in it and about the nature of friendship and my contribution to it. a few of you have started to warn me how difficult i might find it coming back, so i am starting to think about any ways i can help myself with that and any ways i can prepare myself. all tips welcome.

photo is the one part of jaipur i did like when we wandered around the old city bazaars and stoped at this fruit stall. i just think the look on this old man's face is priceless.

more henri gems

still loving india - only exception being the constant attempts to avoid cows, people, poo, motorbikes, rickshaws and anything else on the narrow streets. aside from that india continues to show me more and more beauty and colour - this is definitely the most colourful country i have ever been to. other delights have been horseriding in the countryside seeing a quieter life than normal (see view of women above); watching numerous sunsets; lots of lounging which suits me fine (see happy face above!); more and more shopping temptations; and occasional unbelievable moments like seeing a cow lining up as if it was just another customer in a little shop doorway and watching monkeys jump across roofs over an alleyway eyeing up the food below.

i feel like becs is putting up with a lot as i am often a lot lazier than her and in need of more sleep. without it i can be a bit of a nightmare, as many of you have sadly experienced.. a bit irritable and generally a bit more useless! i think i am starting to notice the big differences in travelling with someone else and am maybe not adapting as well as i would like, not adjusting to a different routine.

i started reading another book by henri nouwen in india that becs kindly brought out for me. those of you who have been following from the start may remember that my main inspiration last year was another book by him full of lent readings... well this book is called 'reaching out' and is another treasure trove of wisdom. anyway, it has said a lot about solitude so far and i am realising that this is one of the main treasures i will take away from this journey, the chance to enjoy solitude as well as learn to live with loneliness. i think now i need to learn that this is not about being on my own physically but about a 'solitude of the heart' as henri puts it. and i am starting to think about how that could work back in the uk as well, where i am used to having a packed diary.

the other gem from the book so far is a quote by kahlil gibran from 'the prophet' - "when you part from your friend, you grieve not; for that which you love most in him may be dearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain." that is definitely my experience this year, that absence has made the heart grow fonder and has given me greater clarity as to the 'greatness and beauty' of those i am remembering. but henri also talks about how when the absence ends and friends are physically united once more, we can struggle to live up to this new perspective.

i know for me i have spent my whole journey looking forward so much to this time with becs and realising anew how precious our friendship is, but it is easy to lose sight of that now we are together.. i don't have the quote with me, but something about our physical selves being a barrier.. i guess exampled by me not being able to look beyond how i'm going to get some good food and a decent nap into my day! so i plan to sort that out from now on and learn pretty quickly how to be an ideal companion on this new stage of my journey.

i know this is getting a bit long but i've been thinking lots and always like to share my thoughts! i've been continuing to look at the possibilities for life back in the uk. i have always felt like a jack of all trades, capable of doing pretty much whatever i fancy. the 'i can do it attitude' only increases on this journey and the possibilities open to me just seem to keep broadening. i have no idea how i am going to restrict myself to one or two choices but if i don't restrict myself i cannot see how i will ever do anything really well.. as always henri provides some more wisdom - something about not listening to the counsel of others when making decisions but delving deep into yourself, to the deepest places of your heart, to ask questions about what i must do and what is necessary to my life. so i won't ask for your advice, i will just continue to ask myself.

last point.. i realise i have spent a lot of this journey longing for a future partner and for greater intimacy in relationships, and yet i have probably got even more used to living quite selfishly, doing things my own way. i cannot see the single life ever being any better than this but i want to be content with it in less glamourous circumstances. for all my hopes, the reality is that i struggle to put the needs of others before my own, or to express my love for others in my words and actions. becs and i had a funny chat one night about me moving back into the house in brighton and becs was brave enough to explain how i have been guilty of a bit of 'princess complex' in the past! i would love to return with less of that and more demonstration of my compassion for others.

i doubt i will achieve even part of all my hopes in just the few weeks i have left on this journey, but its good to know which direction i want to head in. as i have always known, this journey was only ever a small part of the bigger journey of my life, i just hope it remains a very significant part for all the best reasons.

blue city beauty

becs and i set off from jodhpur tomorrow but it really has been such a lovely few days here in the blue city. the more time i have in this amazing country, the more i love it and the more i love the people. i don't remember travelling anywhere where the people are so friendly. here was me thinking my first time in a previous british colony, maybe i'll be representing the unpopular bunch, but oh no, they seem to love the british over here! just couldn't be nicer to us.

the journey here was a bit interesting, starting with the taxi ride to the train station in calcutta where we got stuck in a major jam, which locals attempted to sort out by waving people along nowhere in particular, or resorting to expressing their frustration by bashing our taxi with a handy brick.. but hey, we got on the train ok, in a space with some lovely bank managers! these three guys were very helpful making sure we knew all we needed to and kept chatting away. it was a good start to a long train ride which was actually fine, only coming in 4 hours late! since then traffic continues to be my main source of stress; i can only cope with a short walk around busy streets before it all gets a bit much for me - the constant effort of dodging poo and avoiding scrapes with motorbikes whizzing by.

i have been trying to learn some quick lessons of what to do when travelling with someone, having got used to doing it alone. we have already had some experiences a bit like doubles tennis when the ball goes down the middle.. when you think the other person has it all in hand. just means we've got a bit lost cycling around jodhpur, because i hadn't bothered to work out where we were meant to go and we hadn't checked ourselves against any handy landmarks.. but that was actually a nice way to spend a day.. still i think my plan from now on will be to pretend i'm not with becs sometimes and keep aiming to have all the logistics covered, keep using my brain to consider all the details.. and then it should just be two minds being better than one every time! it is great having someone else to enjoy a meal with or watch your bag when you pop to the loo.. or just sit and be silent with.. you may even see more photos of me from now on as well as there is someone around to snap me!

not sure what else to say as it is hard to sum up my feelings about this place - i just feel very at ease here, my love of colour fits right into context, the food is just always delicious, the sun keeps shining, the people couldn't be nicer, the shopping opportunities are endless and cheap.. i am very happy. long may that continue!

india impressions

india is meeting all my high expectations already and i haven't even left calcutta yet.. well its actually kolkata now but i'm struggling to get the name change right.. anyway, just had to say a bit about my first few days here before becky and i head off on the first of a few long train rides. we leave tonight to head for jodhpur 'the blue city' where we arrive on sunday morning. plan then is to head back to delhi through some other lovely places and then separate at delhi for me to head south to kerala on the 4th feb (arrive on the 6th!) and becs to come back here before heading on to cambodia.

but i jump ahead - so far its just been city life in calcutta, which normally wouldn't be my thing. i have come to realise that it takes a lot for a city to grow on me as i'm not likely to be a fan of a big place full of people that i can't get about very easily. but straight away i am drawn to this place.

i mean there is lots not to like - it is a sprawling city with people everywhere; whichever way i turn i see filth and dirt; the pavements are covered in spit, poo, piss and mangy dogs; the pollution is so bad i could barely see the city from the plane and on the ground my feet and snot are turned black and my eyes and throat sore; and there are constant reminders of a shocking poverty which means you walk past people who live on the street using standpipes to wash....

and yet there is the appeal of beautiful women draped in numerous fantastic colours and sparkly jewellery; bamboo artists creating amazing structures just round the corner; amusing negotiations at the market assisted by a cup of chai; pounding the streets by foot exploring back alleys and discovering treasures; so many lovely people already who have been so friendly and helpful; and then most of all the continuous stream of sights, sounds, smells and tastes to fill my senses.

i am so excited to be in a country where all the food seems to appeal to me, where everything i have so far tasted has been delicious, where i am more interested in local food than a western treat, and to top it all - where it is all so cheap!!

so yes, i am very happy. and this is before you've heard about the joys of being back chatting with becky.. and the excitement of hearing that matt, fi and the girls are apparently coming over to the uk within a month of me being home!! its basically all just too good. i am a bit tired from chatting well past midnight with becky the first two nights, but finally managed to restrain myself from trying to catch up on a whole year and actually just shut up and sleep last night. so feeling very well set up for seeing more of this amazing country which i do seem to love.

motorbike madness

felt like i'd been a bit self-absorbed lately so heres some comments on stuff other than me! i will remember vietnam for being beautiful - the women especially look amazing in their cone hats and long silk dresses, slits up either side with matching trousers underneath.

i couldn't really capture the motorbike madness on camera but i have never seen so many before in my life. i didn't see any accidents in vietnam and haven't looked up the statistics but i'm guessing its not good. its a bit like the bicycle situation in mozambique multiplied a lot of times and motorised - people just carry everything on their motorbikes. i saw a guy turn up at the patisserie i was enjoying having breakfast at with an oven strapped to the back of his bike full of new pastries. crazy.

the modes of transport i've experienced lately have been pretty varied.. overnight trains can be great i reckon - i travelled nearly the length of vietnam on their 'reunification express' train and saw so many beautiful rice fields and industrious people out at all hours working in them. the dinners included in your ticket price are not so great as the view though and i confess i wasn't game enough to tuck in. in fact i didn't manage to tackle vietnamese cuisine all that well save for a few spring rolls.. too much seafood going on for me.

but back to the transport, in ho chi minh city (saigon) i used a taxi, a motorbike and a cyclo (three wheeled bicycle - one at the back with a high up seat and two at the front holding a chair for the passenger), none of which felt exactly safe amongst the ridiculous amount of traffic, all of which cost about the same. taxi and cyclo took around the same amount of time but the motorbike one the race easily as they just nip in and out the whole time. i couldn't say i noticed particularly, but the pollution in the cities must be bad as most people wear face masks.

i sometimes get asked what i think of, say, the vietnamese people compared to the laos.. and i have to say, embarrassingly, that as a tourist i have no real idea. you can't miss making some observations if you travel overland in a place, a lot is there staring you in the face, like the poverty. but to get below the surface i think i would have had to move out of my nice hotel and interact a bit more outside of the tourist circle.. which i didn't do...

the one observation that has shocked me a little is the high number of older white men here with thai girlfriends - that i've met travelling the area or in thailand. it just strikes me as a bad plan - a major language barrier that no-one seems to bother too much about getting past, a big age gap, a financial inequality, in fact just inequality all round. not sure what these relationships can be based on past sex and money which just doesn't sit well with me.

not exactly connected, but i've been told that the sex trade in general is an observation i would also be shocked by, but as a woman i just don't see it. a guy i had breakfast with in hoi-an explained that all the guys who hassle me asking if i want a motorbike taxi anywhere hassle him asking if he wants a woman.. not a nice thought that a town full of tailors must also have been full of prostitutes that i was blind to.

but no regrets, its been great to be on holiday for a while and no doubt india will be a different experience. certainly the life of a traveller suits me just fine - loads of time to use as you like, lots of sitting in cafes people-watching, lots of sampling treats on the basis you keep thinking they will run out soon (but they never do, they just change!), lots of meeting strangers and chatting over meals and journeys, lots of small challenges to avoid being ripped off or to find the best options, loads and loads of new sights, sounds, tastes and experiences. i really don't mind the lack of structure to my days or the lack of work to stimulate my brain. i am over-stimulated enough by what i see and i love the spontaneity of making my own plans each day.

i make it to my last country on this journey tomorrow. i've made it this far with near perfect health (save one fungal infection!), all my possessions still intact - no theft or loss so far, a few new friends, many great memories and even enough money as everything is so cheap. can't say fairer than that. definitely got to do this again!!

reflections

it was a quiet and beautiful new year for me in lovely hoi-an, where i had the chance to spend far too much money on amazing clothes and also take time to reflect on the last year.
some of my thoughts..

i feel like i have been led on an amazing dance of life this year full of more beauty than i thought possible and such a rich and rewarding time. i have come across endless treats and treasures and fantastic people. hope its not too strange to say but i feel more beautiful myself, partly thanks to seeing myself in a floorlength silk creation, but deeper than that, i am more comfortable with myself now i've had so much time alone and enjoyed it. maybe i feel more beautiful because i am smiling so much more as well!

abigail and isabella continue to feature high in my memories and i am sad that my time with them was temporary. their love is my greatest treasure of the year. i realise i would love to be a mother myself one day and be able to love a child continuously, not missing out on stages, but watching them develop and able to grow in my understanding of them, being able to meet their needs to a large extent. it was a precious gift to be a part of my nieces life even just for the short time and i guess i have to trust that next time we meet there will still be some foundations in place because of our time together last year.

i reckon i am more open to possibilities now, just still not sure which possibility to pursue next!plans for the new year need to include some dancing (maybe give up on trapeze as i'm now a year behind Mandi who was always ahead of me anyway) and more exercise - necessary if i'm going to be able to wear any of the clothes i've just had made! also i reckon something to do with colour/textiles.. not sure what exactly, maybe more for fun than employment.. any ideas welcome, bearing in mind i can't draw!

other than that i am starting to think about being back in the uk, already looking at a busy diary trying to see lots of you lovely people.. i wonder how i will be able to keep hold of my peace and joy, how to seek out whats important to me amidst so many more distractions, how to see the way ahead with so many more choices, how to move on from a year so full of memories...

well before that challenge, i am getting more and more excited about india which seems to me may well include my best and worst times... we'll see. it will certainly be a change to have a companion to travel with, i am SO excited about seeing Becs and her blog (http://beckycrow.blogspot.com/) is already getting me excited about the place. but its a bit more chill out in bangkok first to sort myself out and enjoy a bit more time with jim, should be good. has been so far!