cambodian christmas

well its been a mixed experience for my first christmas away. some moments just missing my family no end and unable to stop thinking of what i'm missing and other moments able to enjoy the one off opportunity before me.. it was lovely to be back in a country that reminds me so much of mozambique - cycling around, carrying small child on my back, waking up itching mosquito bites (!), flushing the squat loo with a cup of water, potholed roads etc.. its not all great stuff but it is a life that i am strangely drawn to.
tim and catherine did a top job of pulling out all the stops to provide endless christmas treats which included baked potatoes, orange christmas tree x 2, homemade bread and scones, ginger wine, a bedroom full of orange balloons... it certainly felt like a special time for treats and celebrations.
eden and forrest also played their part, eden in particular being more friendly than my own flesh and blood isabella had been when i first met her! eden is quite happy to give anyone a kiss and cuddle so i made the most of that!
it all seems ridiculously brief thought as i'm now on my way to vietnam, just stopping one night now in phnom penh. i've learnt a few lessons on my way today
a) set an alarm when catching early morning transport. i failed to manage that so set off having had 5 mins to get up and go and say goodbyes
b) never take malaria tablets without food. i took my daily dose before realising that my late schedule meant breakfast had to be missed. this resulted in lesson
c) always carry a spare plastic bag. being sick on a bus requires one.
d) do not assume moto drivers know their way around. i have wasted at least an hour this afternoon reading my rough guide map on the back of motorbikes trying to work out where on earth we've ended up!
but its all good, i've got where i needed to and was not too ill, have discovered that i can survive without food a lot longer than i thought and have treated myself to a bit more luxury in my nights accommodation to make up for the other shortfalls in my day! so should be a breeze from here on!

greetings from asia!!

it is so strange not to be saying this in person to lots of you or not writing my usual mini essays in cards to the rest of you.. but this is a different year from normal so my greetings come to you over the internet. i do feel bad about it but hey. so i wanted to wish you a very happy christmas, i'm hoping that you get the chance to enjoy a bit of time out from all the usual christmas chaos and that you get some quality time with some people important to you.
for me christmas is all about the coming of peace and joy and hope and light and life and all the good things because i am celebrating the coming of jesus into this world. if i'm honest its often tricky to actually experience those things at christmas time as it is always so busy.. so its interesting that this year has been more full of all of the above than any other year in my life. i am having a run-up to christmas completely full of peace and joy and light and life and hope and excitement. so although it is a very different experience for me from normal, it is certainly not a bad one.
i always enjoy reading a bit of chapter 1 in john around christmas precisely because its full of talk of light and life when it describes the coming of jesus. this year i noticed a bit i hadn't seen before, verse 16:
"from the fulness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another"
well, how true that is for me this year. may it be so for you too

mekong adventures

so i had imagined a romantic journey travelling peacefully down the mekong river from the thai border to luang prabang watching village life pass by and admiring sunset views... well there was some of that but mostly i ended up on a party boat full to the brim with white tourists who spent two days on a slowboat drinking beer, smoking pot and cigarettes, playing cards and taking photos of themselves.. it was very entertaining and i was tempted to take more photos of my companions than the view but i resisted and you can see some of the results for yourself, see my photos link. it was very beautiful and very peaceful at the same time, with added bonus amusement factors. i am loving my time in southeast asia, surprisingly glad not to be coming home yet, hope no-one takes offence at that. but it is just great to be out having these adventures and seeing so much. i will keep in touch.

temples, massage and birthday fun

no photo today sorry, but see my photos link for some of our fun out in bangkok on tuesday night for the king's birthday. extra special celebrations here this year as he's been on the throne 60 years. basically everyone wears a yellow tshirt and lights a yellow candle in the eve and generally all congregate in certain parts of the city to provide me with excellent yellow photo opportunities! i loved it, just thought everyone wearing the same colour was fantastic.
i'm now in chiang mai enjoying a quieter life, loving being able to get about on foot, and then recovering from that with a quality foot massage! everything really does seem cheap - an hours foot massage is just over 2 pounds, my ensuite room for the night is only 1.50.. so naturally i am taking that as an opportunity to have the odd treat - lemon crepes with yogurt this morning were especially delicious! that plan can backfire though - went for a spontaneous head/arms/hand massage whilst shopping at the night markets last night and came away with a headache and sore arms! i feel like i have experienced the top and bottom ends of the massage quality range.
as for temples - well that seems to be the main sightseeing event in the cities, to pop and see the odd temple but i don't really get it. i mean i can see they are often beautiful buildings, but one or two of those and i'm templed out. its not like i even enjoy touring round churches all that much and at least then i take some significance from them as places of worship. so may stick to bargaining at markets, eating delicious treats and relaxing by getting a massage.. not a bad life at all

bangkok high life

turns out i've started my first trip to asia at the upper end of the scale with my stay at jims. here is the view from his apartment and a snap of the lovely pool which i've enjoyed a couple of times already. not bad. i could be forgiven for forgetting where i am occasionally, sipping frappucino in starbucks downstairs or lounging by the pool. but then all it takes is a short ride on the back of a motorcycle taxi to remind me i am in a whole new world here.
i'm booked on a sleeper train to chaing mai on wednesday night and i guess there may be a bit more challenge from there on. but this start has been perfect easing me in gently, getting all the assistance i could ask for from jim who has mastered thai and life here in just 10 months. the language barrier has been the biggest shock, i had totally forgotten what its like to try and communicate without any common words at all. in fact i've probably never been in that position before as i've always known at least some words like portuguese in mozambique. so i'm trying to pick up a bit here and there and failing that i plan to start using my very helpful point-it book given to me as a leaving gift by the inspired nicky & patrick. simply point at the relevant picture and hope for understanding - can't be that hard?!
i'm not quite up for roast chicken at breakfast yet and am very glad i packed some weetabix! but i am sleeping fine despite the heat and haven't got into any trouble yet so feeling well set to see more of this new world.

looking back and moving on

so i fly to bangkok later today after a mad, fun-filled week in sydney. i am all packed, pretty pleased with my improved lighter packing skills these days. i've already had many tearful goodbyes to other friends and today i am prepared that leaving matt, fi, abigail and isabella is going to be very sad. on the plus side i have had the loveliest times with the girls in particular this week, i guess either they know i'm going or they missed me when i was in new zealand, either way they have never been more lovely to me! lots of extra kisses and long cuddles - result. its been more tricky getting quality time in with matt and fi as life in the mansion continues to be pretty hectic but i am certainly taking away some amazing memories of being welcomed into a family household and given a space to play my small part in it all for a while. i can only hope that i get to see them all again before too long.
so from here it is bangkok for a few days with a friend called jim from youth group days back in my teens! he is very kindly meeting me at the airport so my journey continues to be ridiculously easy. then after some faffing there sorting out onward flight to india and a couple of visas, its a journey to my friend liz in laos via chiang mai in northern thailand and maybe a boat trip on the mekong river. then its a journey, back via bangkok, to tim, catherine, forrest and eden in cambodia where i will be enjoying a very different christmas. and then its onward to a relaxing beach either in vietnam where i could get a new wardrobe tailored or back to a thai island to recover my senses before hitting calcutta on around jan 10th to meet the very lovely miss becky crow for a few weeks travelling in rajasthan. then i head to kerala without her but to meet other friends - andy and kirsty, a surprise added bonus, where we have one week together and i carry on alone for a couple of weeks, then its back to calcutta, maybe try and fit in a quick trip up to darjeeling before flying out from calcutta on february 28th to come HOME!!
i am starting to think about coming home and am of course very excited about seeing everyone. no concrete plans for future employment yet but beginning to get more ideas. it was so fantastic to meet such a diversity of interesting people along my way in new zealand with all sorts of different life stories that made me think the options for my future really are endless. i guess to be honest, i realise i have probably put off making a specific plan for my next few years because i have always imagined getting married and starting a family round about nowish. so i am trying to move away from that fixed idea and learning to start imagining a different future where i make my own plans by myself for now or maybe always. it requires a lot more courage for me to consider making those kind of plans but its also exciting to begin thinking about all the many possibilities.
this year travelling alone is definitely shaping up to be the best year of my life so far and although it is lonely at times and of course i often wish i could share it with someone else, it has been a very special time for realising stepping out on adventures by myself can be very rewarding. i now know for sure that i am very comfortable in my own company, i very happily enjoy chatting to new people and i do love the freedom to make my own decisions. for those of you who have been wondering but too polite to ask, no there hasn't been even the slightest hint of any romance yet by the way, i wouldn't keep back news like that believe me!
so, there you have some of the more honest picture of things. overall i cannot emphasise enough how fantastic the month in new zealand was in particular, but this whole journey so far as well, and how excited i am about my next steps. you will hear more here soon.

favourite country yet

the joys i have known in New Zealand's South Island are many. what a place. its hard to know whether it really beats the Namib desert or not, but when i think we are talking about so many different places, everywhere i have been in the South Island has astounded me at some point with such beauty, so i reckon as a country NZ wins so far on my tour of this amazing world.
it turns out i really love walking on my own, i just love the peace and contentment that comes from getting out there and seeing it all with all the time in the world to let thoughts come and go, to remember others, to pray and consider life in all its magnificence. then there is the sense of achievement when i get to set my little timer going on the camera to catch me grinning on the top of some beautiful mountain i've managed to climb. i love the way you can feel blood filling up in your fingers and your leg muscles tighten if you walk fast for a while. i love the loud pounding of my heart as i climb fast. i love meeting people in tramping huts who always seem to be the best kinds of people but so diverse with so many interesting stories. i love beating the estimated times for tracks by going for it.
i have come away with so many lovely memories - kayaking on Milford Sound, climbing up to Luxmore Hut on the Kepler track in a downpour, wandering the rose garden in Christchurch with Nikki, sitting on the shores of Lake Tekapo with amazing colour everywhere, silenced by the beauty of ice on Franz Josef glacier.. it has been the best month and has left me feeling so full of joy and peace and so full of life.
i'm back in sydney now in an empty mansion as the family are away on holidays, back on sunday. then its one more week with them all before flying to bangkok the following sunday (dec 3rd). so you will hear more from me soon

fear and adrenalin

i just had to write again as i had a mad day yesterday. guess i spoke too soon about the weather as i had a day of gale force winds and plenty of rain in which to set off on my day walk to view the rob roy glacier. i would show you the photos of the glacier only my camera couldn't tell the difference between ice and clouds so you can't see it! but it was beautiful.
the walk to get there however was a bit scary. figure its ok to tell you all about it now i'm back safe and sound. so it was supposedly 15 mins across fields to get to a swing bridge, but the valley acted as a great wind tunnel so it was impossible to walk in a straight line the force of the wind against you was so strong. then the bridge was swinging well before i set foot on it. my next stop is queenstown where the norm is to pay out loads of money to skydive or bungy jump but forget that, you get a rush for free by walking across a swinging bridge in strong winds. i nearly turned back at that point, but figured it would be much more sheltered from the other side on as the path carried on below the treeline for most of the rest of the walk. so got across the bridge with adrenalin levels pretty high and beginning to question my sanity, only to find the track that was supposed to be more sheltered from there on had its own fear factors. obviously once in a while there is an avalanche or rockfall that crosses the track which is then patched up and signposted nicely as being a bit dangerous! well thats all very well if you're walking later on once its all been sorted out, but what about the poor people walking there when it happens?! i was a bit unnerved.
anyway after an hour or so i finally passed some other walkers which made me feel much better knowing that other people were as foolish as me, so it surely can't be that bad. although i did note that during the whole day i never saw another person walking alone - it was all couples or groups. last little fright was the thunderous sound of ice cracking when you stop at the top to look over at the glacier.
anyway, i'm back in one piece and it was a beautiful walk, and within limits i quite enjoy being a bit scared! might check out all the warnings a bit better before my next hike though. i am getting more clued up about the fact that one bad step and i could end up pretty injured. the walks i do are always popular enough that there will be people coming past within a short time, but still, i am taking care to avoid tree stumps and roots as i now know they get very slippy when wet, i don't plan to wear flip flops again and i try to slow myself when coming downhill! just so you know i am taking care of myself!

more fun less pain

i didn't think things could get much better, but they are!! i am still absolutely loving it here. i barely even get a chance to miss all you lovely people when i'm constantly surrounded by such amazing beauty, it really is too much! people tried to tell me i'd like new zealand as its a bit like home, but believe me, this is way better than the UK! we don't even come close to the sort of grand magnificence i keep seeing here (in my opinion anyway).
i spent a day doing a guided walk on a glacier and was blown away. beginning to think this place may even beat namibia for my top country although its a close thing. but the beauty of all the ice formations and the snow capped mountains and the rivers and trees and waterfalls and beaches and lakes... its my kind of place for exploring. even better, it shouldn't be too tough on my feet from here on as i'm only doing day walks and one more overnight tramp before leaving.
we have had some rain so i have just holed up in a hostel once in a while and watched too many movies including lord of the rings x 3 all over again - seemed appropriate in this location! but whenever i've had to be out all day its been amazing weather, so i can't expect that to continue but so far so good.
i had such a lovely weekend with Mark, Nikki, Zach + Poppy as well, loads of amazing homemade food, a good coastal run, fun choosing sofa fabric, great local food market.. just a special time with them all.
so its another two weeks of this and then back to sydney. i'm getting some top tips off other people in hostels about my asia travels so thats great. i guess if i'm honest i am just a bit apprehensive about christmas, the one part of my year i've always been nervous about as christmas for me has always been with my family and all the amazing efforts of my mum to make it extra special. but this year could be a chance to enjoy something different so i'm trying to hand onto that opportunity. i'll be spending it with the lawrence family in cambodia which is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity if ever there was one. by the way, as everything this christmas is so different, i'm sorry not to be sending any cards or pressies this year as i'm short on time, funds and the chance to see you all enjoy it! so, rather than stress out trying to make the last posting date in 2 days time (?!) i will be sending my greetings out on this blog nearer the time. the good news is that means i'm not expecting any effort in return, especially seeing as i'll have no postal address anyway. so its a year off buying beautiful orange gifts everyone!

no pain no gain

well i have a new understanding of this phrase. my feet did begin to give me serious trouble on this next tramp in abel tasman park. but it was so definitely worth it. each corner i would stumble across yet another beautiful deserted bay that seemed like a secret just waiting for me to find. the views were amazing, i loved it - see some of the sights on my photos link. again there is something about exploring a place on my own two feet which i just love, even if those feet are in agony.
as well as the gain from being in such beauty, i also realised that for one who likes a physical challenge i rarely get close to my physical limitations and this time i really did. then when you know you have managed to do something near to your maximum capability, you get a much bigger sense of achievement. basically the simple rule has only just been grasped by me - that something has to be difficult for you to be proud of doing it. i now have a very self-satisfied smug on my face!
this second tramp turned out to be flip flop disaster number 2 (number 1 occurred in the Namib desert if you missed that bit). basically i was forced to walk the second day in my flip flops thanks to major heat rash on both ankles, continued trouble with blisters and a darkening purple toenail.... i wouldn't recommend walking on rocky muddy ground with a heavy backpack for approx 16 kms in flip flops, but i managed it and it was preferable to putting my feet back into boots.
so i am now a much more experienced tramper and hope to get in some more practice before i leave this country. for now its feet up resting back at mark & nikki's lovely place.

happy tramper

well i am back from over 50km of 'tramping' (walking and staying overnight along the way as its known in NZ) on the queen charlotte track. it was amazing. the combination of solitude, natural beauty and exercise is just perfect for me. sadly my feet are now a little worse for wear as you can maybe see, two messy blisters, one toenail going black, some sort of rash around both heels... i have a tendancy to overestimate my physical strength and had, of course, assumed this would all be no problem for a fit girl like me. but oh no, i am knackered! its a bit wierd but walking 14km seems a heck of a lot harder than running it as i did on the city to surf in sydney. i am definitely worse off now than i was then!
so its a day of rest in nelson before pushing on through the pain barrier tomorrow for another couple of days of tramping on the abel tasman coastal track (yes helen, i have taken your top tip on board!).
the accommodation so far has been great. one hostel (the villa in picton - highly recommend it) even provided free apple crumble! can't say fairer than that. noeline's homestay was the best possible place to get rained in on the track, i can recommend it to anyone. she is a 73 year old inspiriation who sleeps on an inflatable mattress in her lounge in order to rent out 5 beds in her home every night to backpackers. the income from this then funds her trips around the world which she takes every year. she spent two months travelling in laos and cambodia, arriving with no plans, just a lonely planet! so i got some top tips from her for my future journey.
i just cannot believe this country, it is so beautiful and full of such friendly people. i love it here. this place is awe-inspiring, i can't believe the sheer beauty i see every day. i am so aware of what a lucky girl i am to be here.

view from my bed

heres the view out of mark & nikki's lounge which i woke up to this morning. not bad i reckon. seems i've ended up in another mansion, a very beautiful home with a very beautiful family. what a result! first of many experiences of the joys of this country i hope.

moving on...

i fly to christchurch in the morning, so thought i would just say bye to sydney for now by reflecting on what i've loved and what i've missed
loving it:
coral trees and bottlebrush trees
not having to look at my diary
cheap cds, in fact cheaper everything
getting to know Matt as husband and dad, no longer just my big brother
kite flying with abigail
trampolining with abigail
cooking with abigail
basically all of living life with abigail and isabella
going to the beach
views of the harbour
listening to the bible on cd in the car to and from work
swimming in the sea
watching Greys Anatomy with Cath on Monday evenings
food! especially pancakes at Taronga zoo, Max Brenners chocolate cafe and pumpkin, pepper and ricotta lasagne at Manly
fitness class in the park
living with Fi who is so different from me and yet made space for me to be me

missing it:
FIP radio
my bicycle
Luke - being with one brother seems to mean i miss the other more
Topshop and H&M
lie-ins
Ian - my hairdresser (2 bad haircuts later...)
at least 3 weddings, lots of birthdays and no doubt other fantastic social gatherings
evening chats with mates

working days are numbered (for 06 anyway)

only 5 more days to go until March 07! that does feel pretty good. although the poverty that may result from this is not so great! i will leave work with around £1,500 - which considering i was meant to save enough to get me round 4 months of travelling, seems a little pathetic. but hey. dad has kindly offered to bail me out with a loan if need be...
but i am glad to say working has been more than just about saving cash. its been great to enjoy working with a diverse bunch of people in an office that has held my interest for various reasons. some of those would be the various eccentricities around me, the novelty of A0 plans, my constant drive to improve efficiency (no, i wasn't successful), the delight of morning tea breaks, the sunny lunchtimes, the insights into aussie life and into ways of managing people and work... i have made some good friends and will definitely miss the people, but not the work.
mostly i have been copying plans, folding plans, sorting plans, hanging plans, archiving plans, saving emails, putting file codes on emails, logging emails, printing emails, sorting emails and filing emails. enough to send me nearly mad on more than one occasion. but proof that for me work is much more about the people and the context than the tasks and more about what interests my mind as i work than what i actually have to think about to do the work. no, i don't think my future career should be as a filing clerk, but i think the people i work with will always be more important than my actual role.
so, i will be happy to leave the bewilderingly inefficient world of filing project work, but i will be sad to leave these people and sad to be one step closer to understanding myself but no steps closer to knowing what work i want to do next.
and i will miss folding large sheets of paper - it is very therapeutic.

ode to cyril

thought it was about time i mentionned my friend cyril. he could well be described as my best friend here, an excellent companion full of wit, charm, generosity and honesty. i met cyril on my first trip to oz as luke and i stayed at his house when we came over for matt's wedding. then i had the pleasure of a visit from cyril to my place in brighton a few years later, which was great, and now i am back in his vicinity so we often take little trips out gallvanting around the city. he may not appreciate me telling you, but he's 86 years old now. but its a good reminder that age can be irrelevant in a friendship - maybe it requires a little thought to avoid climbing lots of hills or generally wearing him out too much, and its a constant battle to stop him paying for everything, but other than that i just enjoy his company. its also a great reminder to me, when thinking about the possibilities for my future, that i really do love older people. maybe its something to do with the urgency it instills in me to make the most of the time you have with them as you know it is running out. sadly for cyril 'skin cancer will be on his death certificate' as his doctor has told him. realistically he is unlikely to make it over to the UK again and i may not make it back here again in time to enjoy his company like this again, so its a case of enjoy it while we can.
i am beginning to get moments of sadness thinking about saying goodbye to him, probably for the last time, and saying goodbye to the nieces. abigail is very sweetly telling me she is going to miss me. they have all become such a big part of my life that i will certainly notice their absence. its that thing with the old and the young that you know it will never be the same again, you only have this short window of opportunity to enjoy them like they are now before everything changes. so here's to making the most of it.

more birthday fun

well it seems i love birthdays whether they're mine or not, either way its just great to celebrate! we had a top night out for matt's birthday last sat with pre-drinks, dinner and late bar. i just loved getting out for some city nightlife. first up was minus5 - a bar made of ice who only let you stay in for half an hour and give you a coat to wear... now don't laugh, but i was that concerned about the environmental impact of running such a place that i sent a polite e-mail beforehand asking them about their energy consumption and whether or not they had any good environmental policies to try and counteract the negative effects... well, i heard absolutely nothing so went along anyway, realising that it may not have been the time for principles. then it was pizza and beer galore, although when i say pizza, take that with a pinch of salt as they were mostly covered in kangaroo, emu or crocodile meat which is not my idea of pizza. but my lovely brother let me order rocket and prosciutto pizza which sorted me out. then the bar was good too.. i even sacrificed my principles for the sake of birthday fun to the extent of going to McDonalds for the first time in years. in all fairness McFlurrys are pretty good, and when you're celebrating your brother's birthday for probably the only time in at least 10 years, you have to make the most of it.
this morning was also a right laugh with girls helping, or not helping as the case may be, with present opening. top quote from abigail "why does he need another one?" when matt opened a leather purse from me. nothing like a girl who speaks her mind.
other than all this excitement we've got a 3 day weekend coming up which should give me a chance to see lots of movies, read some books, get some exercise and generally chill. i don't reckon i've been my normal happy self since moving to st ives, which i put down to the long days and lack of exercise. matt + i generally set off at 7.30am and don't get back till 7 pretty often in the eve, which to a girl who has always been a part-timer, is a shock to the system. and gone are all those walks and runs, its a circuit class once a week in the park if i'm lucky and maybe a sat morning run/swim at the beach. i am definitely ready to quit the working life, just a shame that i have such small funds to show for all my efforts - financial panic is beginning to set in.
trying to pack in all my last plans for getting the most out of this beautiful city. will report back on my success over the next few weeks before i head to new zealand on the 23rd october. any last tips for that beautiful country very welcome.

sunday mornings

thought i would tell you about my sunday morning routine as a few of you have been asking about what i'm doing church wise. i am going along to a church some sunday evenings, the place where matt + fi got married but they no longer got to church there. its ok, just nice to get out and see some faces and i do like to get in a bit of singing. but considering that until a year or so ago i had been at church most sunday mornings for my whole life, it surprisingly doesn't seem so strange to be doing something different.
so what i am now up to on sunday mornings is i drive with matt + fi to where their church is and walk 10 minutes around the corner to sit on the beach. i can't today becuase its raining but when the sun is shining i take a book, my journal, my sunglasses and sit. with each week its getting busier as we're moving out of winter here, but its still easy to get a space on my own looking out onto beauty, hearing the soothing sound of waves and feeling soft sand between by toes. i do a bit of people-watching - surfers and other keen sporty types running and swimming.. but otherwise i take the time to rest, to pray, to scribble in my journal and to read whatever inspirational book i'm currently into. this spot in my week always proves to be a time of such refreshing, a chance to make space in my thoughts, to renew a sense of peace within me, to sit back and get some perspective.
i've been taking time to write a prayer that i am now trying to memorise that will be my daily prayer. it was a suggestion from the 'eternal echoes' book i have mentionned before. it won't interest all of you but i wanted to share it anyway because this is why i enjoy being on a beach praying alone:

Lord of my heart
my shelter, my refreshing, my hope
Come, shine your light and show your tender mercy
Open my eyes to newness and joy
Fill my gaze with the unseen
Be in my quiet centre.
Help me in my anxiety, impatience and citicisms.
Lead me in generosity, understanding and gentleness.
Reveal the secrets of my heart and my most precious gifts.
Take me beyond my imagination.
Awaken my beauty and my courage as i choose to trust and journey with you, excited by the unknown and the mystery, always sure of your goodness.
You are the way to freedom and you beckon me forward on it, calling me by name, holding me fast on it, watching over me.
You are my constant companion.
May i know your healing balm for my hurts, your warm comfort in my sorrow.
May i know the eternal embrace of your loving circle.
You are the truth i partly see
You bring the unexpected to my future
You are where i belong.
I wait for you, in you, with you.
True Giver of Life
I celebrate the wonders of being a pilgrim with you.

halfway point

so yesterday was my halfway mark. 6 months in and 6 months to go. so for all of you who are asking me when i'll be back, its not for a while yet even though it does feel like i have been away ages.
thought i was due for a little review, and a look back over the blog so far to remind me:
i have lacked a bit of common sense from time to time (desert in namibia being a key example!)
i haven't missed brighton as a place but i do miss cycling everywhere, i do miss trapeze with mandi and i have noticed that its been far too long since i was last on a dancefloor. but the food in sydney pretty much beats brighton everytime so thats a result
i do miss my granny (she doesn't answer her phone and only gets mail that is read to her) but other worries about lack of home comforts, lack of money, getting ill.. just haven't been a worry really.
i couldn't say i have learnt a lot about forgiveness yet, but i think i have learnt about generosity - sadly more by example than practice. i like to think i have been a blessing to those i've visited but i guess thats not always been the case, and i have certainly received far more blessing than i have given. i definitely couldn't say i have got any clarity about my future but i do have moments where my thoughts open up to new possibilities quite gently. its not clarity really, more a letting in of light through new doors in my mind.
the journey of my faith so far has been the most exciting part. i have felt led along my way and i am discovering a lot about trust, simplicity and love. i really enjoy being a pilgrim for all its joys and sorrows. the greatest sorrow for me has been in the loneliness, so i am still trying to learn that i am not alone really - thanks to the one who journeys with me and thanks to the continued love and support from loads of you across a distance.
top highlight so far is definitely the nieces, closely followed by Hannah in Moz. Dunes are a close third place.. so predictions for those were pretty spot on. Isabella had just joined me at the computer playing around with whatever was to hand and then every 30 seconds or so leaning over to me for a kiss! we are definitely good friends these days and it is such a delight.
i guess the big surprise for me has been how much my parents mean to me. its been really hard saying goodbye this week and being around the same places without them here anymore. over the last few years i have often thought maybe its not quite right to still rely on my parents so much when i'm nearing 30. they are still my main support in life, my greatest source of love and encouragement, my backing in whatever way i need, and probably the people that understand me best. i hope they will always be a huge part of my life, but i can't help noting that it would probably be different if i wasn't single. still, as i am, i am so grateful to have their love and to have someone who knows how i am really doing throughout this year. but it is a shock to see how difficult it is being so far from them.
i always knew missing people would be the worst part but i didn't realise what a huge difference it makes being away from everyone. this year is certainly turning out to be like no other year of my life. at times it has been the best ever and at times one of the more difficult. but i have absolutely no regrets, i am so glad to have this time and am so excited to see whats next.

city 2 surf

forgot to brag about my great achievement... 14km run to Bondi done in 87:12 according to official time record. that puts me in the top 25% of over 60,000 runners. was an amazing day and i am very pleased with myself!
you can see photos of me (in a blue t-shirt) at
www.marathon-photos.com/marathon.html?job=Sports%2F2006%20Sports%2FCity2Surf; and typing in bib no 19870

family holiday fun

the presence of my parents here with me is so lovely, their constant encouragement, love, hugs, support.. it is very soothing. we have a few more days to enjoy their company before i go back to work on thursday and they fly home. we've just had a fantastic beach holiday in north queensland - a great reminder of the fun of playing with sand and splashing in waves, even more fun with small people around.
life in the sydney mansion is pretty mad, boxes everywhere and a search whenever you need to find something. how matt + fi have kept it all together i'm not sure, but we are all still smiling most of the time and dad in particular has spent his whole holiday beaming so far so thats got to be good. it is sometimes a bit concerning to realise i've made the decision to leave the joys of cath's place to enter fully into family life once more with its early starts and constant demands but i think its the right decision to make the most of this one-off opportunity for sharing our lives.
its been great to get out and see some of the beauty of this amazing country which holds species i've never heard of. i didn't see a dugong, but it was fun enough just to disover such a thing exists. no crocodile sightings sadly, but we did get attacked by a couple of over-protective sea eagles and we did see a couple of (small) snakes, some (very small) bats, beautiful butterflies, a cassowary or two (big bird) and many many amazingly colourful fish thanks to a daytrip snorkelling on the reef. i am converted to seeing the joys of underwater exploring and now reckon i will do my best to see a bit more of it as i travel this amazing earth.
more pictures are now on flickr link - click MY PHOTOS!! hopefully then you can see some of the beauty i'm talking about. i have a camera now so any photography tips welcome

latest quote

"what else should our lives be but a continuous series of beginnings, of painful settings out into the unknown, pushing off from the edges of consciousness into the mystery of what we have not yet become, except in dreams that blow in from out there bearing the fragrance of islands we have not yet sighted in our waking hours.."
David Malouf 'an imaginary life'

discovering beauty everywhere

some of the things i love about life in sydney..

fresh flowers all the time at cath's place - these poppies are my favourite so far

coral trees - the orange-red is just the most gorgeous colour ever. lucky for me i pass a few on my way to work every day.

morning tea - it seems to be a proper institution here, everyone stops around 11 for tea and cake, or at least most days someone seems to bring in a delicious treat. what a result. my current colleagues have taken longer than any previous colleagues to comment on the quantity of food i consume, sadly after two months a couple of people have noticed me diving in for more cake than anyone else!

getting to hear conversation about people being 'crook' or being greeted with g'day in real life, not just off the tele!

the beach - quite a few sundays i have wandered off to sit and read on the beach and gaze out at the beauty while matt + family go to church. i just love it. the sand certainly beats the pebbles at brighton and the winter sun is glorious. there are always people out surfing, running, walking.. its a pretty active bunch over here i am glad to say. i'm trying to be one of them - i've signed up for the 14km city-to-surf run from the city to bondi in less than 3 weeks!!! nightmare. have never run that far before, but figure i will give it my best shot.

recipe books - its a new discovery for me to use recipes. cath has a whole collection by donna hay, some australian woman who publishes cookery books like theres no tomorrow.. and now i have time to enjoy cooking i have started to take a look. this week has seen my first chocolate cake and first meringue, as well as loads of savoury treats. all going pretty well so far.

there are things i'm not so impressed by, of course, but i'm going to keep this one cheerful today. the big move is this weekend which i'll help with but will actually save my move for a bit later once mum and dad arrive. so its all happening.
new address from friday will be 23 Windsor Place, St Ives Chase, NSW 2075. my mobile still working +61411602551, sorry don't get round to checking uk no much so might be missing some of your texts if you don't use this no... cheers!

the mansion soon to be..

well heres a couple of shots of the home the family move into on the 28th of this month if all goes to plan. i honestly can't believe the luxury home coming up here, but i keep getting told its pretty normal over here, as they have so much more space than us etc... yeah right! still a mansion if you ask me. i just can't believe my nieces are going to grow up with a pool and sauna to hand!! its a joke. but i intend to make the most of it! currently thinking i'll move in myself just before we all go on holiday with mum and dad in mid august.
in the meantime life continues to be a little lonely and a little lacking in something. i still love time with the nieces, i'm happy enough at work who have asked me to stay on as long as i can, i love my temporary home with the 'best landlady in the whole world' cath and all her inspiring beauty around.. and i'm getting some more exercise in with plenty of walks to and runs back from work.. so its not all bad.
but bottom line is that i'm living a life pretty much completely the opposite of what i'm used to in brighton where my priority is normally all the lovely people i try and get time with, compared to here where the number of people i'm trying to spend time with is very small. its definitely a different life, and one that i wouldn't normally choose, but i'm sure its the right life for me at the moment. people do keep advising me to get out and about and get to know more people, do more stuff in my spare time etc.. but at the end of the day its pretty tricky to get about without a car, and my weekends are now the only time to see the family, and i only have a couple of months left here in total, so i don't think it will change much.
i feel bad for not loving this more, as i know it is such an opportunity, and if i compare my life here to the troubles of say, innocence, who i caught up with on the phone last week.. well i clearly should be loving all the good things in my life. i guess i'm just going to try and keep my eyes open to the beauty around and keep learning from all these different experiences and hope that i come out the other side full of amazement and gratitude for this stage in my life.

birthday joys - thank you!!

i guess the birthday treats are finally over now but it has been a very lovely week or so. thanks so much to all you who called or sent cards, pressies, texts and e-mails. it made a huge difference and meant i didn't find it traumatic being away from you all, which is what i had expected. picture is to show you my birthday cake which i ordered after eating it in a cafe a few weeks ago. it is the best cake ever but sadly is all gone now (yes i am beginning to put back some weight on!). and the orchids were the most beautiful part of a series of lovely pressies from matt + fi who went out of their way to help me enjoy an aussie birthday. they were very successful.
i am rude enough to rate all my cards each year so may i announce the winner this year is becs who gets extra brownie points for trespassing in order to make me an amazing collage of graffiti photos from across the road of our house. perfect. top pressie would be more tricky but i'm certainly looking forward to wearing new orange leather flip-flops courtesy of mum. sadly its far too cold at the moment, but a family holiday up to cairns is only about 7 weeks away!!!
other news is i have moved around the corner to cath's which is the most lovely home ever. cath is an art teacher and you can see the influence of her artistic ability everywhere, i am inspired. she could not have made me feel more welcome, has made me dinner already and is giving me free rein to enjoy all her beautiful things. of course i was missing the nieces on day 1 so have in fact popped back to matt's everyday since moving! i've kept a key and will no doubt continue using it plenty.
i also have a mobile no sorted out for here at last, which is +61411602551 so if you ever fancy a chat, are near a landline and have done the maths to see that 9 hours ahead is a sensible time for me to be chatting, then feel free to text me and i can call you back very cheaply. big snag here is the limited times when we'll both be awake and not at work, but hey, worth trying.
last news has to be a mention of the football. getting up on the birthday to watch the match we had recorded was fine, but getting up at 1am to go and watch the last match live left me feeling ill all the following day. i just need more sleep that that. fortunately portugal match is at the weekend so i can at least recuperate in peace the next day. but seriously, you have to give these australians credit, not only for the 'socceroos' surprisingly good effort getting to last 16, but for all the fans who happily lose out on sleep for the sake of football. i'm not quite as dedicated as most people around me yet, but then someone pointed out to me, aussies always have to put up with these nightmare time differences to watch international sport. so if you're watching the portugal game you'll know that i'll be doing exactly the same thing on the other side of the world.

blossoming moments

its the pre-birthday eve so not sure what i'm doing typing away at 11.20pm when i have to get up soon after 6 to fit in watching the england game before work, but hey. as many of you will know only too well, i'm not too good with sleep deprivation, but what can a girl do when the world cup is on in a different time zone?! i have to admit its not quite the same sitting with matt on the sofa half-asleep in the early dawn hours. still, i figure it should be a good start to my special day.
i am a bit traumatised by the thought of a birthday without my usual week-long over-the-top celebrations with as many of you as i can muster. this is just one more reminder of how much i do miss people. big city life is leaving me lonely at times, i'm getting that strange thing where you can be lonelier amongst a load of people than if you're on your own. but rest assured i am never lonely when around the nieces who continue to be the light of my life these days. and i continue to be amazed by the ease with which i have been welcomed into this family, it is an amazing privilege. its just that one family doesn't seem enough in a place this big. so we'll see. i move to cath's at the weekend, either until i go to new zealand, or until she kicks me out, or until matt + fi buy a house and move away (in which case i may try and move with them). an offer they put in has been accepted but contracts not signed yet so we're still waiting to see if this mansion can become theirs.. will tell more if they pull it off!
i am still struggling a bit, but am able to laugh at myself a bit quicker and am enjoying the process of learning what i struggle with and what i'm not good at being flexible about. it seems so far that i consider colour, exercise, food i like, conversation that delves well below the surface, outdoors beauty, time and space alone to mull, top tunes, inspiring reading and sleep all essential to my life. try and get me to share food in a restaurant that i haven't ordered myself and you may see me panic! but i'm learning. and i'm walking to and running back from work quite often which is a fantastic result as i get my much-needed exercise and some space/time to myself. little tricks like this may well see me through i reckon.
so the plan for tomorrow is to try and fit in some calls back home to reassure myself that i am not quite so far away from all those i love, and then to enjoy the honour of celebrating with this lovely family.
my inspiring reading at the weekend came courtesy of john o'donohue in 'eternal echoes': "there are always new thoughts and experiences emerging in your life; some moments delight and surprise you, others bring you onto shaky ground... Longing awakens when there is a feeling that someone or something is away from you. When we celebrate we joyfully acknowledge and recognise the presence of some person, thing or achievement that delights us. Longing is no longer directed away towards an anticipated future. Now the present moment has blossomed. When you celebrate you are taking time to recognize, to open your eyes and behold in your life the quiet miracles and gifts.."
so despite my sometimes shaky ground and the longing for those i love not with me, i intend to celebrate, which in the presence of this family is what i do every day. it is impossible not to see before me the miracle of such beauty in a smile, a giggle, an amusing comment... my present moment is blossoming.
i hope i will keep finding times, like i had sitting on a beach in the winter sun last sunday, to remember my eternal companion who provides my sure foundation in this nomadic life.

life isn't all sunny smiles

so i've returned to the world of work, been in a hospital admin office for the last 4 days. the shock to my system is pretty bad. it just seems such a shame to be here in the right country but missing out on so many fun opportunities with the girls. still needs must, i will be needing the cash for rent, food, other essentials and i have to save for the next step of my travels from here. so i guess i am glad to be working, they're nice people i'm with - its a project office for hospital refurbishments and building projects in the area so its kind of interesting, although my tasks are so far limited to the not-so-interesting ones of folding A1 plans to archive and other filing... the end result of all this is that i'm pretty exhausted and feel i haven't enjoyed any nice times with the family since starting work. but its a 3 day weekend now thanks to the queen's birthday (i so didn't realise the queen was queen here aswell - how bizarre?!) so i hope to recover and have some more fun.
with being tired, getting into a routine i don't particularly want to be in and realising the difference between this and regular life back home, i have been a bit low the last few days, just missing people more; having my mind/heart here, in mozambique, the desert and back home; not sleeping well; feeling short of people around here to share life with; not feeling able to keep up with the frantic family life around me; not having much time/space to myself to keep up with all the changes... i don't know, just a funny time of adjustment i guess. although please bear in mind i am only talking about the last few days, so tomorrow may well be a very different story. it is always more tricky when i hear exciting news from back home though, which i can't really be a part of. don't stop sending me the news, i just long to be as much a part of your lives as always and obviously thats not possible from here. i'm aware i am missing out, all for a good cause though.
so i guess the next couple of weeks could be pretty key in getting into a better pattern where i can stick with the routine of much-needed income-generating work but still continue to get to know this beautiful family i am temporarily part of and enjoy this chance while i have it. the sydney film festival starting tonight should help! i'm off to 5 films over the next 10 days, should be good!
sadly still haven't been able to sort out my mobile thanks to the disgraceful efforts of orange back home, so will let you know a new no in time, but for now uk no still works - all reassuring texts welcome! even picture messages work - thanks SO much to the twins for sending their beautiful faces across the globe.
much much love to all you star readers, the chances are very high that you are often in my thoughts.

life lessons of love and patience...

.. as taught by the nieces. i am happy to be taught by experts in how to love freely with abandon and how to live with patience. seems to me if i can learn in this easy context of being an auntie maybe i can then try transferring my new skills into the more difficult wider world. lets face it, its pretty easy to love such adorable girls, especially when they offer a hand for you to take or walk towards you and give you a cuddle, or even when abigail wakes me up so well in the mornings by pulling the duvet off. even then you can't help but love the cheeky smile and excited voice. and as for patience, well time has little meaning for these girls, its a case of getting on with whatever you fancy for however long you fancy. so that may mean pushing a swing for an hour (bit worried i'll develop repetitive strain injury soon, but hey) or helping with the same puzzle 3 times in a row. but if you allow yourself the luxury of not worrying about time either, its surprisingly easy. bit tricky when there are things to be done, but what could be more important than journeying through life with such special people? so i am hoping a new freedom in loving others and an as-before-unheard-of patience may grow in my life.
other news is i have a room i can move into as soon as i have a job to pay for it. cath is the owner of a place matt + fi used to rent while she was away travelling the world, and is happy to take me on as a lodger for a bit. perfect as its only a 5 min walk away from where the family are now.
also had a lush weekend at the beach with the family. sat was accompanying matt on his sat morning surf trip. i declined the option of surfing (sorry bex and viv but i still see it is a waste of time waiting for waves you never catch) and went for a run instead, then had a fantastic cafe breakfast and some play in the park. major cultural shock followed as we went to a property viewing (matt + fi have been looking to buy for ages) which seemed like a perfect luxury mansion to me but apparently was no good at all. standards are pretty high around here! sun was church near a beach (lots of old ladies there so i was happy) and then lunch in an amazing restaurant at palm beach with live jazz playing and gorgeous food, followed by walking and playing along the sand. can't see my weekends getting much better but we'll see.

auntie hannah at last

well thought i better at least let you all know i have arrived in oz! am very happily installed at matt & fi's, already loving the life of being auntie hannah. i was fortunate enough to join in with abigail's 3rd birthday party on day 2 here. its amazing how much joy can be found in a day full of nothing but accompanying a beautiful little girl through her day. isabella is clearly amazing - very beautiful and with an excellent cheeky laugh, but she has been ill all the time so far and we haven't really made friends yet. so its been down to abigail to welcome me into sydney life which she has done brilliantly. i've been to playgroup with her where i did a bad job of helping her make a butterfly out of handprints, i've been to library story and craft time with her where i did a bad job of making a paper-plate owl with her and we've spent a very long time on the swings at the park... just simple pleasures, but i am loving it. i feel i have missed out on the mum's craft lessons to be able to fulfil my new role properly but i'm hoping i can catch up quickly. it is all a completely new world for me. abigail and forrest were my first introduction into the world of babies which i now feel pretty familiar with, but the world of very chatty, very pretty, very clever 3 year old girls is definitely a new one. i just can't stop smiling at her and all she is and does.
i have nothing to say about sydney or this new continent i find myself in as my world is abigail's world at the moment.. but soon enough this joy must end as i need to find a job which will sadly take me away from playgroup and parks.
i've had no jetlag whatsoever, just a 15 hour sleep the first night and some late mornings since. so things really couldn't be much better at this point. i'll post my new mobile no here very soon, but in the meantime my postal address for the next few months in case anyone fancies returning to traditional forms of communication (especially, dare i be so cheeky, maybe for my birthday coming up in june?!) is:
Unit 6/19 Fontenoy Road
North Ryde
NSW 2113
cheers!

new friends

ok i couldn't resist one more entry in the amazing land of the Namib desert.. i just had to mention my new friend Stephanie. We have been staying at Dunes backpackers in Swakopmund for two weeks now (minus my weekend in the desert), Stephanie arrived the day after me, and we have been getting on so well. its unusual for someone to stick around as long as this, so i'm feeling very lucky to have met her. she is a very wonderful and unique woman, just spent three months working on a camel farm in the desert (got to be a good sign i figure) and is flying back to germany on friday an hour after i set off for oz. so we have been keeping each other company at the backpackers, at cafes, on walks in town etc. Stephanie is only 25 and has already packed in a huge amount to her life, she is an inspiration. even better she is excellent at making friends, just a really open, warm woman, and has made a few friends here in Namibia over the past few months. well one of her new friends saw us sitting in a cafe this morning and stopped to chat, found out we are heading back to Windhoek tomorrow and very kindly offered us a lift. they were chatting about all this in german, so Stephanie turned to check if thats ok with me, and i'm like of course it would be lovely, and then she explains that the lift is in an aeroplane!!! so of all crazy endings, it looks like we are getting a flight instead of the 4 hour minibus journey tomorrow morning. result! i cannot believe how kind, generous and friendly the people are here. its not everyday you get offered a free flight by a complete stranger. so a luxury end to a fantastically relaxing stay in the lovely town of swakopmund. i would recommend this place to anyone.

desert life

well thats me sandboarding! i went twice here as i loved it so much. they have a speedgun to record your speed and i got up to 75km/hour on one run.. how cool is that?! its great fun, just completely knackering walking back up the dune each time. so thats the desert just here on the coast (i'm still staying in swakopmund), a lot lighter colour sand but still beautiful. kayaking a week or so ago was also amazing, past a few seal colonies who come so close and try and play with you as you kayak past. amazing - hopefully pictures to follow.
the good news is that i've also popped back inland to the orange dunes again. it was a bit of a risk as i hired a car to drive 1500km altogether, 1250 of which was on gravel road, about 600km of that pretty bad gravel road... but i got back with the car intact and no damage to pay so i am so glad i took the risk. it meant i got to spend three nights 120km from the dunes and drove in two days running to wander by myself in such beauty again.
the bad news is that my camera broke from sand in it before i got a chance to take any more photos. so i was more than a little frustrated to be back in the most beautiful place i have ever seen but unable to record it anywhere other than in my memory (which is bad at the best of times!). on day two my common sense deserted me somewhat and i went off walking for the day in flipflops (to be fair i have worn them everywhere and the day before) but this time my feet were getting slightly burnt from the hot sand so i tried to keep my flipflops on whilst climbing dunes and next thing you know they broke from the weight of the sand.. so i had to spend the day barefoot trying to avoid getting more burnt, or pricked by thorny grass. that should have been ok as i planned to catch a 4wd shuttle back the 5km to the car park... but i had failed to bring anything with me that told me the time so i was estimating by the sun and guessed wrong, getting down from the dunes too late to catch the last shuttle that leaves at 4pm. so it was a fast walk/jog back to my car to try my best to drive like a maniac the 60km to the gate which shuts at 5.30pm. to be honest it was a nightmare and i got in a bit of a state as i started the walk to the car realising i had been stupid enough to end up on my own in the middle of an unforgiving place.
the desert brings out strange reactions in me. as i set off walking in the morning i could not have been happier to be alone, it was the perfect place to enjoy my solitude. as i walked/ran back in the evening i could not have hated being on my own more. but all is well and i pulled myself together driving too fast but making it to the gate only 5 minutes late and getting through fine.

without more pictures it is difficult to express how amazing this place is. but i wrote some thoughts whilst sitting on a dune under the shade of a tree:
walking on a layer of clay that crunches underfoot and cracks to reveal deep orange sand below
hot sand that burns on one side and then once you cross the dune ridge to the shady side the sand cools and relieves
peaceful silence interrupted only by occasional birds, flies and sight-seeing aeroplanes
signs of life abounding with animal tracks everywhere
undulating dunes that curve and slope and smoothly turn
the loud fast beat of my heart when i pause halfway climbing a dune without anyone else's footprints to help me
walking on a sand mountain range that slides beneath you
the bright blue/lush green/rich orange colour combination that seems so perfect to me
literally gasping as i stop mid-climb to take in the view
disbelieving that it is possible to be wandering amongst such awe-inspiring beauty

i have to return here one day. although if i keep saying that everywhere i go, i'll be in trouble! its just two more nights at the coast, one more night back in the capital and then a flight to sydney on friday!! i will be so sorry to leave this amazing country but the excitement of meeting isabella and seeing abigail, matt and fi again is building up and up, i am SO looking forward to saturday. so this is probably it from me until oz...

hostel life

well i'm sure loads of you reading this have done the whole hostelling thing a million times but for me it is still an eye-opener. i cannot believe the variety of people i meet and the variety of adventures they are having. top marks go to an israeli guy called tom (means innocence in hebrew, how cool is that?) who had left compulsory service in the army 17 days earlier and was travelling back to israel overland up east coast of africa; an old hungarian guy waiting for his wife to recover in hospital from a road accident, he also had injured his ribs and had been in the hostel 2 weeks already, was expecting to be there at least another week, i felt so sorry for him; a 75 year old austrian-australian who sounded german to me but in fact had lived in melbourne for 50 years, he had been everywhere and i met him on his last trip before he was planning to settle for a life in his backyard as he said he was getting too old, very sad; a 17 year old guy from the shetland isles (population 600 he said) who is studying equivalent of a levels for 2 years in a private college in swaziland which he got a full scholarship too, at 16 he had spent his summer working as a waiter in a cocktail bar in cape town... i don't know just a mad collection of people.
i think i'm pretty boring in comparison, beginning to think my plans are not nearly exciting enough! i am not settled in a lovely new hostel in swakopmund which is a german coastal resort where i am enjoying a lovely restful holiday. i mean i know i am on holiday all the time lately but this is more of a 'proper' holiday where i get to read books, walk along the coast, have nice cake in cafes and generally spoil myself a bit! i went sandboarding this morning which was amazing, knackering from constantly walking back up the dunes but hey, definitely worth it. tomorrow is 5 hours of sea-kayaking to get a view of some dolphins and seals hopefully, but clearly i will also be knackered after that. so after a day of rest on sunday i'm treating myself to a massage on monday - its a hard life! after that who knows i am constantly scheming to find more ways of getting time in the desert but its not as easy as you would think..
i am meeting lots of lovely people, a guy from Hove was sandboarding this morning which was bizarre, and there are always people around to chat to in hostels but they are normally only around for a day or two so they are always short friendships. most people seem to be in for a lot more drinking than me, a glass of wine is only 80p here but i just don't fancy it most of the time. and i wonder if most people are in for a lot more casual sex than i am as the reception area has a basket full of free condoms.. i do wonder how long i could live like this, always moving on, always interacting with people on a surface-level and never having people around who really know you. i think it can leave you a bit vulnerable. but i am loving it so far and feel very well rooted in with people who know me so well even though its from a distance with e-mail and letters. i only have 2 more weeks to go aswell, so i intend to make the most of it!
sorry if i worried a few of you there with stories of my throat. it is back to being perfect now and i can stop taking malaria drugs in a week so all is good. haven't taken any more pics yet, but will get back to that desert soon! thanks for reading

the most beautiful place i have ever seen

the beauty of a desert playground, a giant sandpit for grown-ups.
the freedom to run down steep slopes, explore, climb, and stand in awe.
the richness of colours changing with the sun - bright blue sky and glittering deep orange sand.
the soft yet strong wind billowing around me, making sand dance in circles.
the pretty yellow flowers growing despite such heat.
the burning in my lungs as i struggle to climb up and up to gaze out at never-ending beauty.
the smooth curves and sharp ridges of gentle dunes.
the contrasting shadows highlighting such beautiful shapes.
the flow of soft warm sand between my toes and over my feet as i wander.
the evidence of my explorations disappearing as my footprints are covered by shifting sands.
the bubbling of joy in me as i cannot believe i am in such an amazing place.
the tracks of ostrich, oryx, geckos and beetles making patterns in the sand.
the lone trees against an orange backdrop.
the endless space containing so much.
and it all extends for miles and miles.

for a few pictures go to www.flickr.com/photos/journeybywaters or use link at side menu (aren't i clever?!)
i will keep trying to add more. throat is loads better thanks

animal spotting

well i'm just back from a 3 day trip to etosha national park where i had the privilege of enjoying some camping for a couple of nights (i'd forgotten how much i love camping) and also of seeing 6 giraffes, 11 lions, hundreds of zebra and thousands of springbok/impala/oryx.. sadly zero elephants - is this really africa?! no it was lovely, beautiful drives at sunrise and sunset, just miles and miles of landscape that i love. there were only 7 of us on the tour which was nice, easy to get to know some very different people from places i'd never even heard of. photos may follow soon but you'll be lucky if you can see much in them, its pretty funny taking photo after photo and only being able to see a spot in the distance!
so i'm back in windhoek for one night to refresh myself before heading off to the desert tomorrow!! red sand dunes here we come! i am very excited and will tell all on my return.
theres just one thing holding me back a little and that overshadowed my etosha trip a little which is my disgusting mouth infection. sorry to bring it up again but i am a little concerned as this foreign body keeps growing at the back of my mouth, now covering half of my throat opening making it painful to swallow and generally uncomfortable and a bit worrying. i do tend to be a hypochondriac with unfamiliar things so its probably fine, but i could really do with it clearing up extra quickly so as not to ruin the desert for me. i'm on a few different drugs to stop the fungus growing (clearly not working) to ease the soreness (does help a little) and to add good bacteria back into my system. ok so please if you pray add me to the list!
thanks so much, love to you all

todays miracle

so i am safely installed in a hostel in windhoek. very strange to have left all my stuff (minus some valuables in a locker) in the hands of strangers but there we are.. but i jump ahead of myself. let me tell you about my day. well i woke up with the same sore throat i've had for a few days but this time thought i would investigate in the mirror as to whats happening and discovered a hideous infected lump of something nasty at the back of my mouth. so being the sensible girl i am i gave it a good prod, made it bleed and then spend the next while swallowing blood and other grimness. so consequently i threw up this morning. i mean i really don't like being sick, this was not a good start to my day of travel.
so stopped at a pharmacy on the way to the airport and it would seem that there is more reason for hating my malaria medication dioxycycline. apart from adding to my sunburn it also is an antibiotic which may sound like a good thing but if you take an antibiotic for long enough you kill off the good bacteria as well as the bad bacteria. so they reckon i have a fungal infection in my mouth and have prescribed a throat spray and some intestinal bacteria that come in a pill so i can start re-stocking my supply of bacteria thats been killed off! how funny is that. so i guess at least i know i will be ok but it meant i spent the flight trying not to be sick and was generally less than happy.
well then at windhoek airport i was asking about buses at the information desk and some nice guy comes up to offer me a lift. he seemed nice enough so i thought it sounded. well we're waiting for the guy he has come to pick up and chatting and it turns out i've heard all about him as he works for OM the same organisation that thelma works for who i've just been staying with?! i could not believe it. how ridiculously good is my life?! so i got a lift into town, got a lift to the other woman he works with who has taken in a bag of spare stuff i don't need that i can collect on my way out, then taken to my hostel. i have phone nos galore and the offer of a place to stay a bit north of town if i fancy it... its just too much, this is too easy! i am chuffed to bits, its been a fantastic finish to what had seemed like a bad day.
so i'm in windhoek for at least a couple of days until i can organise myself some tours when the office opens monday. a guy just arrived into my dorm 5 minutes after me fresh from the desert dunes.. i am pretty excited!!

perseverance pays

me at the beach loving it!

travels in africa

so i'm happily back in the land of broadband staying with thelma in pretoria. very sorry as despite the broadband i still can't get you more pictures?! in two days i head off again on my own into the beautiful land of namibia, but for now i will just tell you about my time since mozambique.
blantyre was so lovely. definitely a lot of reverse culture-shock getting used to the waste of water with every flush of the loo and not believing the difference in worlds considering we were only half a days journey away from something so different. i'm sad to say the shock is quickly wearing off and the strength of my memories is gently fading but the strength of my determination to return to mozambique when i can is not.
highlight of blantyre was palm sunday. we went to a disappointing service in the morning - too many expats for me and the sermon was about pentecost (?!) not palm sunday at all so i was not happy. then walking home in the afternoon we heard some amazing singing coming from a church so went in and enjoyed over an hour of choir after choir singing amazingly. it was heaven to me. i mean seriously i am sure that will be how praises in heaven sound to me. i was in need of some refreshing that day and i definitely got it - the voices were pure, rich, beautiful and so joyful. it was true worship as if they just couldn't resist.
other than that it was just a time for enjoying the company of bernadette and her lovely friends arrived from holland, and allowing my mind and heart to settle down. pretty much all they heard out of me the first couple of days was innocence this, alexandra that.. but by the end of think i had talked about other things!
then they went back to mocuba one day before i left for pretoria, so i had very little time on my own but as with travelling to mozambique i did feel a bit unsettled and anxious. i guess every time i move on is a bit difficult as i leave what i know and love and step out into the unknown alone. but the journey was fine really, i mean probably the most uncomfortable journey i've ever had but i arrived safely even if it was 5 hours late, meaning a total 29 hour journey. it was a coach that seemed fine from the outside but it had 5 seats in each row instead of 4 which meant there wasn't enough room to sit back if your neighbour was also sitting back. my neighbour was a nice man called john but he wasn't small and in future i will remember to choose my seat according to my neighbour's size! our stop in harare was a mad moment as i got out to eat my sandwiches thinking i'd avoid making a mess inside and a group of kids just immediately gathered round me assuming i was giving them the food. i chatted with them for a few minutes trying to work out what was going on as it was a shock to me and in the end gave them my food as they seemed to really need it. i had got used to people asking for money but seeing people that desperate just for food was pretty haunting. zimbabwe is clearly in a bad way.
then pretoria has been lovely. you'll know i've felt very at home when you hear we rented 7 videos on my first day - result! its just been a lovely time for resting and catching up with friends. highlight was easter sunday. again i wasn't impressed with the sermon as it was on the transfiguration (i mean whats wrong with sticking with the season?!) so i read my bible instead of listening and rediscovered the joy of the story in john when mary meets jesus outside the tomb. it was a realisation that this journey and my life are taking me nearer and nearer to that place where i might be a bit lost and confused but then i hear my name called "Hannah" and i recognise my Lord.

memories of mocuba

ok well this is a self-indulgent opportunity to write down my memories from mozambique... bear with me!

i loved
walking everywhere, colourful geckos scampering across walls, beautiful harmonies sung with such joy, the beating rhythm as women crush maize, coconut palms against blue sky, lightning flashing like i'd never seen before, the reply of 'Gracas a Deus' - 'by the grace of God' if asked how they are as health is not taken for granted, being in the congregation not a white preacher at the front, always meeting a friend when in town despite only having about 10 friends, deafening rain on corrugated roof, running on the beach, raosted peanuts in sugar, pumpkin leaves, hearing mozambiquan laughter, walking with Hannah on my back - especially when people thought she was my child?!

i didn't love
awkward conversations about money, not understanding portuguese, constant attempts to rip me off, visiting sick people closer to death than i had seen before, horrific statistics about AIDS, ants in condensed milk, mosquitos, white bread, itching, lack of vegetables, sore inner thighs from sweaty skin rubbing together as i walked, the lack of good jobs for such talented people, ill-treated dogs with bones showing and ticks everywhere, long sermons i didn't understand whilst sitting in a very small very hot very unconfortable church, leaving.

becky very kindly sent me off with a card with some of psalm 121 written on it. one line says 'the sun will not harm you by day' and i had to laugh as sadly my skin has suffered a bit under the sun. but another line says ' the Lord will watch over your life' and i am so grateful that i have felt so safe and looked after. the best example of this is my first and my last night, both times just after the sun had set so it had just got dark. both times walking on my own not sure where i was going, in fact on my last night definitely lost. both times being met in the middle of nowhere by a friend who shouldn't even have really been in the same place at that time. both times just knowing such relief and amazement and gratitude that i had been found.

mozambique has definitely brought out the best in me, i have seen a new side to me - a woman of gentleness, joy, compassion and love. i hope this side of me remains out in the open for a very long time.

hannahs off to town 

sorrow and joy

well at last you can see my smiling face and the beautiful hannah. we are just a couple of metres outside innocence and alexandra's house about to walk off for an afternoon together. i have been in an internet cafe for over 2 hours trying to work out how to get more pictures to you but sorry i give up. i think the connection is just too slow for uploading pictures - i will try again in south africa.
i am now happily settled in a beautiful guesthouse in blantyre, where i will spend up to a week taking time to mull over my memories and thoughts of mozambique, and enjoying the sights and sounds of another african country. i have travelled here with bernadette who will leave a bit before me, but it is so lovely to have this extra time with her. she really does a fantastic work in mocuba with a pre-school for 75 children aged 3-6 years, mostly orphans. see her website for more info http://www.wijnands-bcs.nl/africa/engels/bernadette-engels.htm
i have received an e-mail from innocence since leaving letting me know that his nephew also died later the same day as his sister's funeral. i never met the child, but he had been in hospital for at least a couple of weeks and he had been getting worse and worse instead of better. i don't know what he died of but when a large town only has one doctor and the nurses require extra payment in order to do their job properly, what can you expect.
so i am still so full of sadness for innocence and his family, and already trying to figure out how i can get back to mozambique sooner than the 6 year gap it had been before this visit.
just so you know - my mosquito bites are not bothering me so much now, i am tired but fine about that, i am not so hot in malawi and very thankful for that, i feel so healthy it is lovely, brown and a bit slimmer. my nose is suffering though, peeling everyday from sunburn despite using suncream. i still dream about people from home - early this morning i woke from a particularly stressful dream about my old job at citygate.. jan was ill, kirsty was too busy.. it was funny to wake up and realise my brain is still processing things from home even here. but i find it so much easier to remember home now and just enjoy thinking of so many lovely people, taking the time to pray for lots of you and enjoying the knowledge of your love and care even from a distance. thank you so much for the many comments here and e-mails, i can't reply to enough of them but i am reading them all and it is so lovely to hear news and know i am not forgotten. despite the sadness i am still very happy - its funny but i think it is possible to know joy and sorrow at the same time, that is my experience today.

such a sad day

i am so sorry to say that today i attended my first mozambiquan funeral. virginia, innocence's sister, died early yesterday morning from aids. innocence lived with her from the age of 15 until he got married, so she was his closest sibling, and it has been so sad to stand with him in his grief. i have never seen so many people at a funeral, everyone walks along the street following a truck or two carrying the coffin. i was coping ok until i saw two brothers who i have come to love dearly over this past month, bury their sister. i cannot imagine the pain for my family if my brothers are young enough to be the strong men putting my coffin into the ground.
so it has been a mad end to my time here, i've just tried to be helpful and supportive but i am sure this is not the best time to have a visitor from england around. it did mean i got to spend a whole last day with hannah yesterday as i took her off for the morning and the afternoon to keep us out of the way whilst everything was organised. she is a complete treasure, the sadness i now feel at leaving is huge. so not only do i join with the grief of the family but i have also spent the time saying my goodbyes as i leave in less than 2 hours for malawi. the pain i feel at leaving is great, but at least this time, unlike my previous visits, i feel so much more sure i will be coming back one day for another visit. it is a place that i love too much not to return, and i now feel i belong to a family here - auntie hannah or 'tia' as hannah calls me (portuguese for auntie).
i will write again when things look brighter. sorry for no photos yet as promised, it has just been too hectic but they do now exist on cd so i will post them here soon. if you pray please pray for innocence and his family in their sorrow and please pray that my heart mends quickly from the sorrow at leaving!

34 degrees and rising

i don't normally know the temperature but the radio told us it was 34 degrees yesterday. well today is a lot hotter. it would be fair to say i am a bit hot, tired and irritable at times. just going to take the chance for a quick moan here! every night i wake up scratching mosquito bites, often then awake with the itching for some time.. bearing in mind that i am a bit short on sleep anyway going to bed around 9.30/10 and getting up anytime from 5, more likely around 6. those of you who know me with know i am not the best without my beauty sleep! but tea tree oil does help a lot (thanks mandi) and i think i'll start taking antihistamines today.. so maybe things will get better. i just have trouble expecting a good day when i wake up early after a bad night already sweating!
the heat also makes it difficult to exercise, which is normally a vital part of my life. i did manage a days cycle ride one day but just got ridiculously sunburnt, pretty dehydrated, probably suffered from heat exhaustion for the next day and also managed to entertain a crowd watching me take a break at the side of a dirt road. i probably won't repeat it. second attempt was an early morning run setting off before 6, but sadly thats not early enough here as everyone is already out on the roads ready to laugh at a stupid white woman wearing shorts! may try that again but i may have to resign myself to the heat and realise you just don't do cardiovascular activity in this sort of climate.
ok well thats the moan over. other than that i am still loving it. theres no doubt i will be sorry to leave, probably in just over a week. plan is still to travel through malawi (not swaziland as first planned) but costs are rising as i realise i have to get another mozambiquan visa to do that, plus a visa for zimbabwe, plus the bus ticket.. still, a holiday in blantyre for a few days can't be bad.
for a quiet life its surprising how busy i suddenly feel now i have to fit all i want to into 7 days. theres a lot of innocence's family still to visit, a pastor to visit at his home, decision about which (if any) church to preach at on sunday! and some clothes to get made out some beautiful fabric innocence bought me... and as many joyful moments with little Hannah to fit in as possible. I am really going to miss her (did i say that already?!)
it continues to shock me how difficult life is for people here. i continue to struggle with what to do with my money, who to help when everyone is so needy. i learn something everyday about the people and the place, and still love both so much, but there are some details i find hard to get used to. i am eating fish, as that is the cheapest form of protein so eaten a lot, but i think i'm going to struggle with the lunch of squid that i'm going back to shortly! i've got used to the early starts but receiving visitors, especially a local pastor, at 6.30am seems a bit much! i love the time for people and constant visiting of family and friends, but the lack of solitude or ability to rest at home uninterrupted would probably get to me in the longer term.
well thats a lot for one day, so goodbye for now. next entry may well be the last from this amazing country - watch this space for some photos, i've found a place that can put them onto a cd!!

my journey now and always

the way i am walking
is the way of refreshing calm, constant wonder and much joy
its the way of ongoing thankfulness at the love shown to me and the love known by me
its the way of receiving so much, so many gifts, such generosity and care
its the way of giving - of sharing my life and who i am and what i have
its the way of light that shines on all, even the hidden places
its the way of new and precious delights

as i stumble along this way, sometimes hesitating
i am drawn on by the certain hope of something amazing ahead of which i have already glimpsed the first rays
i choose to put my feet forward along this way of love only because of the great love already shown to me that tenderly leads me on
i long to discover God's secret which I know to be within this world
so I go on in the hope of discovery

this is a way walked in quietness and solitude listening to the voice of love
realising more and more that i understand less and less
longing to know the truth that has not yet been made fully true
i am often lonely yet i am never alone

this way i choose is the way of life
there is always water to quench my thirst
as i walk i am revived and restored to my depths
a lot is asked of me on this way yet i receive so much more
on this journey i discover i am beautiful and it is a beauty to be shared

(inspired by and some phrases quoted from "Show me the Way" Lenten readings by Henri Nouwen)

happy Hannah

my mozambiquan visit continues to be a delight. so much so that i'm not going to leave on monday as thought possible at one stage, it looks like i'll be leaving on the 4/5 april when the lovely bernadette can accompany me to blantyre in malawi where we can stay and have a nice break for a few days and then she can see me safely onto a bus from blantyre to pretoria through zimbabwe. so i get another couple of weeks here at least!
the pace of life here suits me fine, i'm really not doing all that much day to day just sleeping, cooking, eating, shopping, visiting, playing with Hannah, chatting with Alexandra, bit of reading.. the visiting is often funny. yesterday in particular i went to visit a pastor i know well and then another friend, both of them don't speak english and i barely speak any portuguese so it was a day of communicating with a dictionary and gestures! i guess it was also a day of being most out of my comfort zone but that resulted in one of the best times here, just such a privilege to be fed by those who have so little and to learn how to peel pumpkin leaves and crack peanuts to help prepare the meal, to entertain the children with my photos and just enjoy a day with friends despite the communication barrier.
innocence has been away most of the week sorting out his truck that is broken in nampula - an 11 hour bus journey away. so its been a week with the ladies at home, getting to know alexandra and hannah a lot better.
i am starting to smell more mozambiquan, which may not be such a good thing! i am changing shape a little, and my skin is getting more used to the sun, and otherwise my body is still loving it here. the food presents me with daily delights like coconut rice, butter beans, guava, we even made pancakes the other morning. i tasted cashew nut fruit on thursday which i didn't even know existed - a strange taste but pretty good. i really do like the diet here, although what i'm experiencing is no doubt the luxury end of it, but its so nice having a lot less sugar and fat.
i am still struck daily with the differences - washing under stars, rain or scorching sun; cooking that takes 3 hours for one meal; the many greetings in portuguese or amusing english wherever i go; the generosity of some bread or a fizzy drink whenever i enter someone's home; endless fly swatting; nightime noises of insects, dogs, radios, and laughter; the money that comes in nothing smaller than 500 so i'm always a millionaire; the rain that suddenly comes in torrents and disappears again in no time leaving slippery mud everywhere...
it would be fair to say that i am a very happy and content Hannah