its the pre-birthday eve so not sure what i'm doing typing away at 11.20pm when i have to get up soon after 6 to fit in watching the england game before work, but hey. as many of you will know only too well, i'm not too good with sleep deprivation, but what can a girl do when the world cup is on in a different time zone?! i have to admit its not quite the same sitting with matt on the sofa half-asleep in the early dawn hours. still, i figure it should be a good start to my special day.
i am a bit traumatised by the thought of a birthday without my usual week-long over-the-top celebrations with as many of you as i can muster. this is just one more reminder of how much i do miss people. big city life is leaving me lonely at times, i'm getting that strange thing where you can be lonelier amongst a load of people than if you're on your own. but rest assured i am never lonely when around the nieces who continue to be the light of my life these days. and i continue to be amazed by the ease with which i have been welcomed into this family, it is an amazing privilege. its just that one family doesn't seem enough in a place this big. so we'll see. i move to cath's at the weekend, either until i go to new zealand, or until she kicks me out, or until matt + fi buy a house and move away (in which case i may try and move with them). an offer they put in has been accepted but contracts not signed yet so we're still waiting to see if this mansion can become theirs.. will tell more if they pull it off!
i am still struggling a bit, but am able to laugh at myself a bit quicker and am enjoying the process of learning what i struggle with and what i'm not good at being flexible about. it seems so far that i consider colour, exercise, food i like, conversation that delves well below the surface, outdoors beauty, time and space alone to mull, top tunes, inspiring reading and sleep all essential to my life. try and get me to share food in a restaurant that i haven't ordered myself and you may see me panic! but i'm learning. and i'm walking to and running back from work quite often which is a fantastic result as i get my much-needed exercise and some space/time to myself. little tricks like this may well see me through i reckon.
so the plan for tomorrow is to try and fit in some calls back home to reassure myself that i am not quite so far away from all those i love, and then to enjoy the honour of celebrating with this lovely family.
my inspiring reading at the weekend came courtesy of john o'donohue in 'eternal echoes': "there are always new thoughts and experiences emerging in your life; some moments delight and surprise you, others bring you onto shaky ground... Longing awakens when there is a feeling that someone or something is away from you. When we celebrate we joyfully acknowledge and recognise the presence of some person, thing or achievement that delights us. Longing is no longer directed away towards an anticipated future. Now the present moment has blossomed. When you celebrate you are taking time to recognize, to open your eyes and behold in your life the quiet miracles and gifts.."
so despite my sometimes shaky ground and the longing for those i love not with me, i intend to celebrate, which in the presence of this family is what i do every day. it is impossible not to see before me the miracle of such beauty in a smile, a giggle, an amusing comment... my present moment is blossoming.
i hope i will keep finding times, like i had sitting on a beach in the winter sun last sunday, to remember my eternal companion who provides my sure foundation in this nomadic life.
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